Hi my name is Richard Black!
You may know me from cooking shows such as “Gordon Ramsey’s Christmas Hoedown” and “Mom There’s a Thumb in My Soup!” but today I’m here to talk about something else.
Self-isolation is difficult enough and, combined with the prospect of working from home while living in close proximity to ostensible loved ones, the task can be terribly demanding. Build in the added stress of visiting the grocery store once every week to provide dinner for a bunch of ungrateful yahoos and it’s a wonder more people haven’t taken the Kool Aid express to Jonesville.
Fortunately I’m here to tell you that you can make five wholesome dinners out of the staples you’ve got in your pantry and refrigerator. That’s right! I’ll bet that you’ve got everything you need to make five dinners right now and not just because I have a gambling problem.
Ready? Let’s go!
Black Beans and Rice
Remember last month when you went to the store and saw everyone buying canned beans? Now’s the time to use them. With a little luck and forethought you also managed to climb over the elderly and elbow your way into a few bags of white or brown rice and maybe an onion or two. Either type of rice works just fine in this dish and not just because I don’t see color anymore in people or rice. Both are delicious!
If you’re looking for some veggies then pop in that half full jar of salsa you’ve been saving since the last Bush administration. If you’re out salsa consider using a few ancient cans of crushed or diced tomatoes you found in the basement last year. I find that the BPA resin on the sides of old tomato cans adds a certain pep to this stalwart dish in addition to jump starting your kid’s puberty!
For added flavor while you’re simmering those black beans and dicey salsa use that old taco spice packet in the back of your pantry. Hell toss in two of them while you’re at it because they don’t get more flavorful as time goes on.
If you’re out of taco seasoning try poking around your spice drawer for some paprika, chipotle, garlic, oregano and really just about anything to add some flavor and some depth. Rosemary? Why not? Saffron? Give it a shot! Cardamom? Ehh fuck it.
The point is that the spice drawer is your oyster, or something like that, so hey why not toss a few oysters in to this dish as well?
Red Beans and Quinoa
If you hail from Cajun country then you’re no stranger to red beans and rice!
People too broke to buy decent food have probably been making red beans and rice for centuries…I guess. The point is so can you…if only you didn’t use all of your rice for black beans and rice.
But no worries. Instead of rice try using that bag of quinoa you bought when you went on a juice purge six years ago and didn’t believe in buying real food.
Quinoa’s earthy flavor pairs pretty well with a can of red beans in that one tastes like eating someone’s unwashed nuts and the other tastes like dirt. It’s the perfect recipe for self-loathing!
Season this dish as you would per the ingredients above for Black Beans and Rice but add some raw celery in at the end for some added crunch and maybe some stewed raisins. Don’t like stewed raisins? Don’t worry about it! I’ve found that they can be an incredibly effective emetic so if you’re looking for a dish to puke up later this is your best bet!
Or is it?
Navy Beans and Farro
Many people don’t think that navy beans and farro mix well and most of them are right but it’s the middle of the week and you don’t know what else to cook so navy beans and farro it is.
Sure they haven’t seen the light of day since Seineld was on but those navy beans are probably still pretty good. A what better way to pair them with than the box of farro your wife bought four years ago when you were both supposed to “get healthy”?
Navy beans are delicate and need to be handled gently, much like the early naval recruits of yesteryear who went on long sea faring voyages with a bunch of horny old men. Cook them on low heat until they’re just barely warm and then just sprinkle the farro in for the last few minutes. Don’t worry about undercooking the farro because it pretty much tastes the same regardless of how long it’s been boiled, roasted, or grilled. In my experience farro always taste like it’s been ground under the wheels of a city bus and roasted in a communal urinal heated by dog feces but to each their own.
For some extra flavor dump in a crusty jar of chili sauce that somehow managed to make the move from your old house to your new house eight years ago and feel free to throw in some toasted sesame seeds for an exotic twist.
Looking for toppings?
Instead of shredded cheese try using a shredded carrot but only for color. Of course it won’t taste like cheese which is why you should give that ancient tub of cottage cheese a whirl in the blender for a delightful and low fat taste infusion that looks like sour cream but makes your taste buds die inside.
Garbanzo Beans and Popcorn
Garbanzo beans are really just chick peas by another name and when you mix them with some popcorn the two really pop! For a Mediterranean flair add some tahini to the chick peas and for a bit of Mexican caliente why not toss in that can of chopped green chilies you’ve been saving for that special gentleman caller?
Variety is the spice of life and mixing international flavors keeps a palate and a stomach guessing. Garbanzo beans are incredibly resilient so feel free to truly experiment with your pantry when you’re simmering those motherfuckers. A dash of cumin or a nice big dollop of mayonnaise really sets off this dish and feel free to add some pickle relish if you’re looking for a Long John Silver’s flair.
Pro tip: Don’t add the popcorn in until the last minute unless you like it moist.
Frozen Green Beans and Oats
Remember that sell by dates are really just a recommendation based on subjective constructs like flavor and taste.
Why is that it important? It’s not for the purposes of this article!
The upshot is that those freezer burned frozen green beans at the bottom of your freezer are still edible. Of course edible doesn’t mean “fun” or “tasty” but it’s Friday and you’ve been self-isolating in an attempt not to contract Coronavirus and inadvertently kill your grandmother!
Resources are scarce but don’t fret. We can spice up those green beans with some Quaker Oats! Wilfred Brimley would approve and even though he might be dead those oats sure aren’t! A little known fact is that if there were a nuclear war the new economy would be built on ammunition and Quaker Oats.
I’ve found that the gelatinous nature of boiled oats sets off the delicate sponginess of frozen green beans quite well. Instead of going savory on this dish try giving your family a treat with some black strap molasses or maple syrup and don’t be shy about throwing in some powdered sugar on top. Think of it like that last scene in Scarface and, for family fun have, everyone sniff the sugar up their nose before they dive in! At the very least it will give you something to do when someone aspirates a green bean.
And that’s it for this session of Cooking in the Pandemic. I hope you’ll join me later for “Five Things You Can Put on Pizza Dough that Don’t Involve a Penis” and “Ten Way to Prepare Fish Sticks!!!”
Again thank you very much and please drink bleach and disinfectants responsibly.