Dear (associates, clients, nizzles),
These are (chaotic, uncertain, cray cray) times and we want you to know that we will be here to continue to take care of your (legal, lawn, sexual, leave blank) needs. As of (yesterday, five days ago, a time that was entirely too late) we have closed our office to all (traffic, clients, foreigners, men with strange hats) in an attempt to contain the spread of COVID-19.
During this time we want to assure you that we are (100%, 50%, a bigly percent) effective and working (diligently, pretty hard, half-assedly) to keep you with the most up-to-date (information, lawn care expertise, access to pornography, legal advice) available.
Our commitment to you is this:
- All of our employees are working (remotely, diligently, hard to figure out how to use Zoom) to continue to provide you with the best service possible.
- We will be reaching out (weekly, daily, whenever we can get Carl to stop drinking and send out an email) to keep you apprised of the measures we are taking to continue business as usual and (provide us with a valid reason to continue to bill you, sell your email account to the black market, find my boy a nice girl to settle down with).
- Our (office phone, fax line, Grinder account) is still available if you’d like to contact us.
- We will also be hosting regular webinars in the event you’d like to (keep apprised of the situation, learn a few facts about lawn care, continue your Pornhub subscription at the silver level).
Thank you so much for your (trust, faith, inability to use a spam filter). We appreciate your patience and understanding during this (challenging, whacked out, absolute clusterfuck of a) time and urge you to please stay indoors unless you’re a (medical provider, essential business, numbnut on Spring Break, asshole booking a cheap cruise).
(Sincerely, May God Help Us All, Peace out),
(Name)